chitta vritti

Ah, those fluctuations of the mind. I know them all too well. Tack on a bit of enthusiasm and/or nervousness about teaching yoga, and all hope of stilling the mind goes right out the door. It’s hard not to feel a little hypocritical.

I mean, we are lucky enough to have two amazing Level 2 Authorized Ashtanga teachers with us through January 3rd and I can’t pay attention to my breath to save my life. I get some simple, yet transformative, input on my down dog that instantly relieves the wrist pain I’ve been feeling for weeks and all I can think about is how I might share that with the students in the classes I’m scheduled to teach.

“Inhale”, I tell myself. Then, 20 minutes later I realize that I lost my focus yet again. The voice in my head alternates between what Julie has learned, and how sad it is that Julie still hasn’t learned [insert anything]. Another notes that it shouldn’t be about me anyway; it’s about them. Then, there is yet another voice chiding me for how crazy it is of me to think that I have something to share when I can’t even just breathe in and out.

At some point, I give up trying to control it. The voices keep chattering, I keep moving through my practice, and life goes on. And when the time came to stand in front of the class, it all faded away.

But when class ended, it all started up again. “That sucked!” and “I sure hope you get better at this teaching thing.”

*sigh*

I am not scheduled to teach again for 4 more days. However, I have already started putting together my playlist. With any luck, maybe I can relax a little and enjoy Christmas with my family… and my birthday too. Maybe, I can enjoy a little stilling of the mind as well. Maybe.