economy of energy

I decided to join an IG challenge that my yoga studio is putting on. Having enjoyed the virtual connections I’ve made in my recent participation in a few of the yoga-based IG challenges, I thought it might be fun to connect with some of the members of my real-life yoga community. By the time I found out about it, I’d already started the LetsGetFlexy challenge, MysoreAsana Challenge, and another daily photo challenge which I like to participate in with the hopes of balancing out my IG page with non-me, non-yoga photographs.  I quickly abandoned the MysoreAsana challenge and took on the new BreatheFirst challenge. As the month has worn on, I have found the three is getting to be a little too much. I’m already planning to back off, or take a break all together, next month.

In the meantime, Vrksasana is one of today’s poses of the day. Vrksasana and I have a history together; it’s sort of a love:hate relationship because it requires me to find balance and balance is something I am forever struggling with.

I am not just talking about my asana practice, although anyone who has practiced beside me has seen this first-hand, especially when I move into Vrksasana or Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. If you are one of these people, I apologize for falling into your physical space and challenging your ability to hold your dristi. Finding balance in life, especially as a single mother, has been a learning process whereby one could say that I have been a slow learner.

In late August I posted a FB status update announcing that I was getting back to work in preparing to teach my asana class and finally get certified to teach yoga. I asked for volunteers to help me find my confidence and the right words to articulate my sequence (which has been laid out for almost a year now). Much to my surprise, a number of volunteers came forward with an overwhelming openness to roll out their mats for my benefit.

Then life’s demands picked up. My son got sick with pneumonia and fell way behind in school. In an effort to support him, I let him off the hook on his chores and stepped up my efforts to support his studies in every way that I possibly could. Although tutoring would be an obvious addition, his football schedule is not conducive to this. I *want* to allow him the time and space to continue the one thing that motivates him to stay up into the wee hours of the night putting in the work. For as much as my own yoga practice serves to keep me whole, I can see that football does the same for him.

At the end of the day, or in the few free hours I have left in the middle of the weekend, the last thing on my mind is teaching. The obvious truth is that I haven’t the time or the energy to expend on other things right now. It’s all about insuring the basic needs of the family (aka work, shopping, & paying bills), supporting my relationships, and attending to my own needs.

In a recent interview, Dave Robson talked about the economy of energy. He said, “There’s no denying that there’s an economy of energy for each person and there’s limits to how much can go out. Of course, I want to do more and more all the time and there’s some people that are amazing that way in that, they can do so much. They seem to do a lot of it really well, but I’m not one of those people.” Like Dave, I am also not one of those people.

I watch my boyfriend stay up late and get up extra early to develop his class playlists and search the internet for more ideas to spice up his class sequences. And I think to myself, “I don’t have that kind of energy to give right now. I just don’t.”

One day, I hope that I will – but that time is not now. Will it be after football season has ended? I don’t know. I really WOULD like to finish what I started – if only to set an example for my boys in not leaving things unfinished.

In the meantime, I will do my best to manage my own “economy of energy” and prioritize (or balance) what-must-be-done with my long list of what-should-be-done’s.